He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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