I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
