The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
