Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We are all done wearing pants today
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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