I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
