No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
