You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
