A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
