Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
