Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
