1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
