So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
