Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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