youre lurking in front of me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
