My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
