So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
