What did we do last night that was yellow?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
bring money and cleavage
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Actions speak louder than pants.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
