How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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