Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
