go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
