Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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