ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
