Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
