Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
