There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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