This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
