Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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