WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You ruined the universe
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
