i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
