I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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