I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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