I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
