Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
