I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
