I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
