I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
