you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
