Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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