this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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