Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
