Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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