I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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