hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
