He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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