i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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