Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
