so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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