OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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