and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
