I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
