I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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