Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
