Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
