There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize