omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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