guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
