Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
