Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
