I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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