if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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