Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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