i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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